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i'll always love you.
21 July 2006 @ 12:13 am
oh livejournal. you connect me with all things brookfield and petty. i'm afraid i tire of you.
i'll always love you.
16 July 2006 @ 11:46 pm
you could be happy and I won't know
but you weren't happy the day i watched you go
and all the things that i wished i had not said
are played in loops 'till it's madness in my head
is it too late to remind you how we were
but not our last days of silence, screaming, blur
nost of what I remember makes me sure 
i should have stopped you from walking out the door
you could be happy, i hope you are
you made me happier than I'd been by far
somehow everything i own smells of you
and for the tiniest moment it's all not true
do the things that you always wanted to
without me there to hold you back, don't think, just do

more than anything i want to see you go
take a glorious bite out of the whole world.

why did it take me so long to find this? 
listening to: snow patrol
i'll always love you.

this emo girl has been smiling for a week. she hasn't cried. she's hardly let the corners of her lips drop. this emo girl is happy. she likes this.

listening to: dashboard confessional, remember to breathe
i'll always love you.
15 July 2006 @ 02:52 am
if you don't expect anything; you're never disappointed. always surprised. 
i'll always love you.
13 July 2006 @ 10:45 pm
guess what.

there are pirates in my ancestry. i'm related to pirates.
listening to: razorlight, fall fall fall
i'll always love you.
10 July 2006 @ 11:42 pm
today was a good day. i got to leave the kids early to see 'pirates'. amazing. i think i have an overly obsessive infatuation with johnny depp. and not just because of this movie. i really think he's a brilliant man on all levels. i really don't think it's natural. 

we're burning blueberry muffin incense tonight from my alice in wonderland pack. i like it. i also like updating my livejournal every day with something completely pointless. 

i get to pick up my new jeans on friday. 

can you name the girls in my user pic without cheating?

tomorrow night i'm hanging out with someone that i haven't hung out with in like.... six years. maybe even longer. we are excited.
listening to: damien rice, the blower's daughter
i'll always love you.
09 July 2006 @ 10:50 pm
i'm watching the smoke rise from my alice in wonderland incense. it's entertaining. it took me four tries to get it lit right. and i'm still not so sure. molly and i went shopping today. my mom told me to make sure molly bought clothes because she's desperately in need. she didn't buy anything. i bought more than i needed. two new pairs of jeans from buckle, of course. the only jeans that fit me nicely average 65 $ a pair. that's just fine though. and they're getting altered! hooray! my dad drives me crazy telling me to get my jeans hemmed because they're always dragging on the ground. i tell him that it's his fault i can't find jeans the right length. because he's short. so whatever. hemmed by friday. i really do think i have a shopping problem. it gets a little out of control sometimes... 

i liked the rain today. did you?
listening to: jewel, drive to you
i'll always love you.
so i finally watched 'the upside of anger'. i've wanted to see it for over a year, but my boyfriend would never watch it with me. and since tonight was one of those nights, i rented it and stayed in for the sole purpose of viewing it with my sister. and i loved it. i'm not really sure why. all of my anticipation was not in vain though. i like when that happens. 

i also rented 'me, you and everyone we know.' i think i'm going to watch that one tomorrow. and alex, i rented that french film we saw previews for a while back. 'love me if you dare.' i don't know how i remembered it. but i did. so let's watch it this week. 

who am i going to get sufjan stevens music from?
listening to: sufjan stevens, john wayne gacy jr
i'll always love you.
08 July 2006 @ 07:27 pm
i am very tired today. i went to bed at 4 this morning and woke upat 9:30. i drove out to fon du lac at 11 to meet the girl i'm going to be living with next year. she seems nice. she knew what song was playing when my phone rang. the fact that she can recognize belle and sebastian within three seconds is a good sign. she's 5' 9 and blonde and had steak for lunch today. i'm, well, 5 feet and dark brown and went vegetarian for lunch today. it made me laugh.

the moral of the story is that i'm exhausted right now. i rented three movies tonight. i don't intend to watch all of them. i'll be lucky if i make it through one tonight. the unfortunate thing about my exhausted state is that i tend to say a lot of overly emotional things. and i'm sure i'll be up until at least 3 again tonight. c'est la vie.
listening to: sufjan stevens, the lord god bird
i'll always love you.
08 July 2006 @ 01:58 am
holy fuck styx is amazing. most incredible show i've ever seen. tommy shaw is a beautiful man. i don't know a whole lot of the lyrics to styx, but it still rocked pretty hard. they're amazing to watch. it must be such a great feeling- being on a stage in front of a crowd that may or may not be too wasted to care, but still- an entire crowd gathered just to see you. amazing.

moments of tonight i'd like to share with you:
-i saw lisa! my neighbor at school.
-jono had shorewest balloons in his pockets. he blew them up and we bounced them around the crowd at the show.
-a 25 year old guy, his name is matt, took a liking to me. he decided he'd put his arm around my lower back and tell me that i have the most perfect body and am the most beautiful girl he's ever seen. he also, when i told him i'm only 19, told me that i'm really 21. it was special.
-fergy got a pretty good beer shower during the second song of the set..
-everyone on the bus ride back was very, very friendly. 
-i'm peeling off my summerfest attire and changing into my pajamas. as i toss my bra into my hamper, i see several pieces of red and blue confetti fall to the floor.

i know there are more. i just had a slice of pizza and am now watching robin williams on my laptop. do i have to get up to drive out to fon du lac tomorrow? yes. but that's fine. i'm a concert addict. i need to find one to go to next weekend. and the weekend after that. i really like rock concerts.... a lot. so who wants to go down to summerfest with me tomorrow night for panic! at the disco? or guster? i'm not picky.
i'll always love you.
07 July 2006 @ 12:12 am

i should know better than to ramble late at night. i do apologize to those of you that read my livejournal post from last night that i've recently deleted. i didn't mean to upset anyone, but i'm sure i did. i get myself all worked up about nothing. this particular rambling wasn't even directed at anything even remotely related to my own life. which is crazy because that's usually what happens. sigh. i couldn't find my regular journal last night in which to record these thoughts, so i went with livejournal. and why am i even explaining this? i think i'd like to send my thoughts to a far off destination. then neither you nor i have to deal with them. that, or i really need to give up my livejournal once and for all.

listening to: the girls in my new picture.
i'll always love you.
04 July 2006 @ 12:51 am
life is virtually meaningless. unless, of course, you give it meaning. life itself is what? eating, sleeping, breathing. that's what life is. we create meaning. most of us do. i'm sure there are some out there that never create any meaning for themselves. in which case, life is all of the above, with a dose of accidents and coincidences. it's not all interconnected or predecided. we're each in charge of our own lives. that means that all of my pain and happiness and frustration... everything... is all my choice. my decision. i've created these emotions for myself. no one else is bringing them out of me. i have the ability to be happy. to be completely content with everything. but i'm choosing not to be... i think. although, outside influence does play quite a strong role in the formation of one's own personal thoughts and feelings. no, in the end, it's all up to you. you decide. you can will yourself happy, ani difranco. and you can will your cunt wet. it's what we do. 

and the start of human existence? what is the big fucking deal? we're here now and we're just fine. that's all that matters. who honestly cares how we started? what's the point of spending thousands of millions of too many dollars to research evolution or creation or whatever the latest theories are? there are people in trouble now. people that could desperately use that money for survival. the whole debate frustrates the hell out of me. maybe i'm... i don't know... naive? ignorant? self centered? either way, i just don't care. 

i'm going through a phase. don't mind me.
i'll always love you.
03 July 2006 @ 09:43 pm
so molly and i cleared out the junk filled closet in our workout room today. i found my binder of stuff from the wasc leadership camp i went to during the summer before eighth grade. i read through the journal i kept for that during eighth grade. i was expecting to see a completely different girl.

i didn't.

not much has changed. i've grown up a little. i gave up on the dream of being a cartoonist because i think i'm a better writer. but other than that.... a lot of this journal focused on friendships and the like. one page wanted me to list the most special relationships in my life. my jaw dropped when i saw that the first two were alex and zander. (a relationship you hope never changes. and, a relationship you'd like to change.) i feel like i've stumbled into, like, the twilight zone or something. that's just kind of crazy. it makes me laugh a little. because in those two particular aspects of my life- nothing has changed.
listening to: jenny lewis & the watson twins; you are what you love
i'll always love you.
lacy is currently in the shower in our attempt to get ready for the day.

the taking back sunday/angels and airwaves concert was stellar. probably the sweatiest all five of us have ever been in our entire lives- but it was sooo worth it. we ended up in the balcony of the eagles ballroom- which was great. because not only could we see the entire show, but we could also watch the crazy crowd. it was insane. we were very, very happy with our decision to move up. i've decided that i really need to start listening to them more because they rock so hard. 
a few highlights from the evening:
the lead singer of tbs, adam, making a 'brokeback mountain' reference. 
lacy and i rolling up our jeans and thinking of kayla.
the overwhelming amount of shirtless emo boys.
girl pants as far as the eye could sea.
driving over the curb to get out of the parking lot.
almost getting in an accident on the way home.

it's always fun going to stellar shows with girls you love :)
listening to: taking back sunday, fred astaire
i'll always love you.
29 June 2006 @ 06:49 pm
dear livejournal,

you are such a good friend. you're the only one that's really been there for me, no matter what. you don't get mad at me when i'm cranky or depressed. you don't care if i'm having an emo day or night or week or year. it doesn't matter to you if i still love zander, you'll support me regardless. you don't give very good advice, but you're a good listener and i really appreciate that. i'm sorry for the times i take all of my frustrations out on you pretty hard. but sometimes, you're all i've got. i know that a lot of the time, you probably couldn't care less. like when i tell you that i found a perfect song. but i know you like when i'm happy. like when i hang out with alex. i always have something good to say after i see him. you like that he's been my best friend all these years. i'm sorry if you get jealous of the fact that he knows me about as well as you do. crazy. see, and i like you because you don't care what i say or how i say it. my vocabularly is unimportant to you. i don't have to impress you. i like that. you're a good friend, livejournal. you also help me keep tabs on the lives of friends that i don't often see or talk to otherwise. that's nice of you. 
but even though all of this is true and good, sometimes i really hate you. i hate when you tell me things i don't want to hear. i wish you could stop that. sometimes i wish we weren't such good friends because i know i take way too much of my stress out on you, and you just pass it on. you can't really keep a secret. but i should probably know better than to tell you anything in the first place. i guess you're not perfect. but that's just fine. i've learned to love imperfection, so that's why i love you.

because you're just like me.

yours truly,
listening to: tangled up in blue, bob dylan
i'll always love you.
28 June 2006 @ 10:09 pm
mmmm. i did not enjoy today. too many mistakes. too much craziness running around in my head. unwrapping the packaging of a cd has got to be one of the most frustrating activies ever. i don't think i'm happy anymore, so it's good that lacy, cheryl and tom will be here on saturday. and it's good that i bought dashboard confessional's new cd, the best of bob dylan, and directions. finally.
listening to: dashboard, rooftops and invitations
i'll always love you.

three days. lacy, our favorite episode of family guy was on tonight!! i screamed a lot.  'last night was amazing! there were so many boobs, i didn't know whose boobs i was grabbing; yours or mine!' this just made me miss you more than i already do. three days. i'm very content right now. which is odd because a few minutes ago i had a minor breakdown. strange how that works out. three days. i wrote two letters yesterday. i need to mail them tomorrow. i like writing letters. even if they don't make sense. three days. i'm not supposed to miss him, but i really do. three days. i'm seriously so excited i can hardly sit still.

listening to: dashboard confessional, hey girl
i'll always love you.
27 June 2006 @ 12:22 am
it's always a relief to know that there's someone out there that is just as crazy and possibly shallow as i am. and it's comforting to know that some things in life really won't change. despite what the world seems to think. 

and to think... there was a time when a) we were the same height and b) we really looked a lot like siblings. maybe we still do.
i'll always love you.
26 June 2006 @ 02:25 pm
this isn't supposed to happen. not now. not like this. 

i'll always love you.
25 June 2006 @ 12:10 pm
i finally finished 'the sirens of titan' by kurt vonnegut. whoever told me i'd like him was very right. he's a brilliantly creative writer. i hope to one day have a fraction of the talent he does. 'the sirens of titan' dares to explore the purpose of human existence by manipulation and a bit of... brainwashing? sort of? it's hard to describe. i want you to see why i like him so much. these are a few of my favorite quotes from the book.

beatrice: the insane, on occasion are not without their charms.

"the hell with the human race!" said beatrice.
"you're a member of it, you know," said rumfoord.
"then i'd like to put in for a transfer to the chimpanzees!"

boaz: i found me a place where i can do good without doing any harm.

the winston niles rumfoord authorized revised bible: in the beginning, god became the heaven and the earth... and god said, "let me be light," and he was light.

boaz: just because something feels better than anything else, that don't mean it's good for you. 

malachi constant: i was a victim of a series of accidents, as are we all.

constant: as far as i'm concerned, the universe is a junkyard, with everything in it overpriced. i am trhough poking around in the junk heaps looking for bargains. every so-called bargain has been connected by fine wires to a dynamite bouquet.

beatrice: the worst thing that could possibly happen to any body would be to not be used for anything by any body.

and my personal favorite, from malachi constant:
a purpose of human life, no matter who is controlling it, is to love whoever is around to be loved.

it's a really good book. i'd say read it if you can track it down. i've moved onto john updike for a little while and my next venture is jack kerouac. followed by... and author who's name has escaped me momentarily. he wrote 'naked lunch' and that's what i need to read. 

six days til lacy, cheryl AND tom are here!! :)
listening to: rocky votolato, mix tapes/cell mates